Confessions of a Recovering Relationship Conformist: Part 1

What’s wrong with me?


Sure there are men out there who by nature want to be in a relationship; because they don’t like being alone or otherwise, but for the most part men don’t really want to be ‘in a relationship’; married or otherwise.  They commit for us.  They meet someone that they care for and love enough to make a declaration that ‘this is their woman’ because that declaration will make the woman happy, and of course as a result this makes the man happy.  Most women on the other hand are either hard wired or socialized to want to be in a relationship and to seek out a partner that will give it to them.

I’ve come to realize that I am not hard wired or socialized to want a relationship.

It’s not my natural state to desire one or be in one.  When I think about my past relationships and how I ended up in them, it’s very clear.  That point when the declaration came wasn’t at a time when I thought to myself, I really want to be in a relationship with this person; it came around by way of a seemingly ‘natural’ progression of events.  More like ‘Okay, sure. We’re already doing this I guess. Makes sense’ as opposed to ‘I really want to be in this with you’.  I take full responsibility for these actions and choices.  Truth be told the subconscious part of my decision making process was the underlaying socialization that drew me to wanting this scenario for myself.  This is what I was supposed to do.  This is the path I’m supposed to take.  This is the life I’m supposed to want for myself.  Is it really?  I know it is for many, but it doesn’t feel right for me.  What it comes down to is can I think of a reason, one inherent to myself and my values that  makes this life the best choice for me?  And I can’t think of one.

I know what you’re going to say…”You just haven’t met the right one yet”.  Maybe.  I’ll say that I’ve only recently become slightly open to that possibility (to be discussed further in a later post).  If and until then, the point I want to make actually didn’t come from me at all.  It was said to me by a very good friend of mine:

Just because you’re not doing it the way everyone else is, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

It’s the reason why despite the fact that I’ve been reluctant to share my personal opinions and experiences about love and dating, I felt compelled to tweak the direction of this blog.  I’m certain I’m not the only woman out there who feels this way or at the very least there are women who question these constructs, those who could benefit from a conversation or even just hearing a little bit about another woman’s experience.  I feel compelled to open up because you may not be lucky enough to have a friend who will tell you that despite how some men (and women) may want you to feel, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Author: thirtysomethingsinglevegan

Twitter: @JanelleJuteram Instagram: janellejuteram Snapchat: jveronique

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