Confessions of a Recovering Relationship Conformist: Part 4

How can being whipped be a good thing?

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stocksnap_6qnp6abcjeLet me explain.

In addition to being a recovering relationship conformist, my “I can do it myself” disease is also in remission.  Yes, I’m that one.  I try to do what I can on my own, without assistance from a man.  You know that, I don’t need your money, offer to split or pay for the bill, open my own door without even thinking that perhaps I should let him do it type stuff.  That’s not to say that I don’t let men (or women for that matter) do things that I could do, if they offer.  For example, I could pick up that heavy box over there but if you’re offering I say please and thank you!  Nor will I do something that I don’t like or don’t want to do if I don’t have to.  I’m not going to learn how to rotate my own tires or do my own oil change because I have zero interest in those tasks.  And sometimes, even if there’s something I can do for myself but I don’t want to at that moment, I might ask a male friend to do it for me.  But trust that he knows I would do the same for him if he asked.

So yes, I’m in remission for these I-can-do-it-all-by-myself behaviours.

I know that my partner needs to know that they can take care of me and the only way that can happen is if I let them.  I’m a work in progress.  Doing things for myself without help from a man is natural to me, while letting a man do things for me is unnatural.  That’s not to say that I’m missing the ‘domesticated’ gene.  I cook & bake, clean & do laundry, pack lunches.  I’ll help you with spreadsheets for your finances, make you soup and put vapour rub on you when you’re sick.  Now here’s where whipped comes back in to play.  There’s a difference between doing the above mentioned out of necessity or obligation and doing them because you want to do them for this specific person.  The latter is what I define as whipped.

I would take whipped one step further and say that it’s not just about taking care of the person (because you’re supposed to), but catering to this person because deep down you really want to.

It’s a choice to cater to this individual because you want to even if it means doing things which are unnatural to you.

Brace yourselves feminists.  There’s an element of submission in here.  Being in a relationship would require me to submit myself to this person.  Submit myself by putting my pride aside in order to cater to this person.  Not in the sense of saying that this person has more value than I do or deserves more respect than I do because it’s a choice, my own choice.  I will say that though I have taken care of my partners in my past relationships (to the best of my ability at the time), I can’t say that I submitted to any of them.

What would it mean for me to submit or be whipped?  It would mean that if I got home before him, I would want to run down the stairs to greet him as he walked in the door despite what I was doing.  It would mean wanting him to sit and relax at the table while I bring his dinner to him.  It would mean wanting to pour and hand him his scotch or bourbon and massaging his shoulders at the end of a long day (even if mine was longer).  It would mean him doing the same for me and me letting him do it.  Submission.

Now I know all you wives and fiances out there (if you’re even reading this) are probably chuckling to yourselves thinking,

‘Duh, that’s what it’s all about’ but the difference for me is that’s not what it’s all about.

Kudos to you that you don’t recoil at the thought of these behaviours, that you can do them so willingly and lovingly.  But they are completely unnatural and essentially blasphemous for me to say. Those who know me in person are thinking, “JJ, this doesn’t sound like you at all“.  Of course it doesn’t.  Wash my mouth out with soap (or my fingers).  That’s my point exactly.  These behavious are completely unnatural for me.  So assuming a or a few ‘right ones’ for me exist, they would need to be someone for whom I would be willing (and wanting) to do these things despite how inorganic they feel to me at this moment.  This is what would have my friends teasing me and calling me whipped.  Still thinking about what kind of person they would have to be for me to want to submit.

Author: thirtysomethingsinglevegan

Twitter: @JanelleJuteram Instagram: janellejuteram Snapchat: jveronique

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