Confessions of a Recovering Relationship Conformist: Part 5

This institution wasn’t made for me…


stocksnap_iagn87yfpzI’ve realized my motives are not the same as those of most women or at least those that most women present.  I accept that this is not likely to change and there’s nothing wrong with that.  I also don’t plan on letting anyone else make me feel otherwise, and neither should you.

My motives?  I’m not looking for marriage or children.  I’m not against them, they just don’t feel right for me.  I’ve heard all of the reasons why you think I’m just saying this now, or that I’ll change my mind eventually.  Believe me when I say that I won’t.  I could fill a book on this topic…  So we’ll just leave it at this:  It’s not enough to say, “Once you have them, it’s worth it and you can’t imagine life without them”.  I’m sure that is absolutely true but while you can think of a million reasons to want them to begin with, I can’t think of one for myself.  Whenever someone prods me on the topic I remember this scene in House of Cards where Hannah Conway (woman, married with children) asks Claire Underwood (woman, married without children) if she ever regrets not having children.  Claire pauses and replies calmly “Do you ever regret having them?”

Mic. Drop.

My thought process?  I think that if a man is going to leave you after you have sex with him, then he will leave you if you have sex with him now or a month or 6 months from now.  If he wants to stay, he’ll find a reason to stay.  So if I want to have sex with him now, why should I wait?  If he decides to interpret my behaviour negatively, I don’t want that dude anyway.  I still believe this to be true for the most part but I’ve also realized something else.

I’m a round block trying to fit into a square hole.

I’m operating in a system that was not designed for me, with men used to dealing with women who are not like me or pretend not to be.  So as much as I want to be true to my own values and not pretend this institution of courting/dating/marriage works for me, I need to find the best way to temper my impulses just enough that I am still organically me.  I need to work maybe not exactly within but on the outskirts of the framework they’re used to.  But how?  Patience?  FML.

Patience and interpreting the information as it pertains to me (and those like me).  Matthew Hussey presents an ongoing theme of ‘meet him where he is’ in terms of investment.  He’s got a ton of content demonstrating this concept as it relates to text message exchanges and other communication with men.  He also explains this concept more broadly; when you want to ‘Get the Guy’ your behaviour should reflect how much he likes you, not how much you like him.  I’m over simplifying, so visit Matthew’s YouTube channel linked above for more detail.  How do I interpret this for me?  Well, when I want something, I go after it but as much as I may want to it’s not enough to be intimate with a man based on how much I’m into him.  The intensity to which I show how much I want him should mirror how much he’s into me.  This concept also applies to those of you with more traditional motives than I.

Temper your feelings for him with his feelings for you when you are considering your behaviour.

Mathew Boggs breaks down the differences between how men and women interpret their feelings for each other.  As women, we generally take no time to determine how we feel about a man in comparison to how long it takes him to decide if he wants us or not.  Just to make things more difficult for us, while he’s deciding, he’s doing all of the ‘courtship rituals’ that make us like him even more.  At whatever point he determines that he doesn’t want anything to do with us, he might ghost to avoid dealing with the drama and disappointment he’s expecting from our response.  How do I interpret this for me?  Despite the fact that I can decide very quickly whether or not I want a man, I have to act with the understanding that he is likely to take far longer (in comparison) to decide whether or not he wants me.

Patience is most definitely not one of my greatest virtues but what this means is we need to slow our feelings or at least the intensity with which we show our feelings so as to match the speed of his decision making process.  They say we process too fast but if you think a little faster we don’t have to slow down for you to catch up…


Author: thirtysomethingsinglevegan

Twitter: @JanelleJuteram Instagram: janellejuteram Snapchat: jveronique

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