This idea of being trapped has been lingering around me for some time now. I hear it mentioned more than I’d like. Thing is, I don’t feel it. Or at least not in the way it’s intended.
I’ve found myself in situations I’ve wanted to get out of. Some more difficult than others but I will say that I never felt trapped by the situation. I have felt trapped by myself. Knowing the trapped feeling is transitional.
When I decided to study fashion arts and had to work full-time concurrently to pay for it, I made a promise to myself.
I promised myself that I would suck everything I could out of the program. Go 200, all day, everyday, no matter the cost. I barely slept. I ate poorly, if at all. I didn’t train. But I finished with a 4.0 GPA and more importantly I was overflowing with skills and perspectives I could have only dreamed of obtaining otherwise. And the cost? Well the cost was 40 lbs of extra weight. Forty pounds and I knew exactly where they came from. Not sleeping. Not eating. Not training. As my previous identity was all wrapped up in being a competitive cheerleader and training 5-6 days a week, this was hard for me to reconcile. But I didn’t feel trapped. No chance because nothing can hold me boss, promise.
I knew exactly what needed to be done but I also knew they were not changes I could make quickly while maintaining their longevity. I needed to make them slowly. I did and continue to do so. The only reason why I’m able to do this is because I know that I am the determining factor. I’m the only one that can allow myself to feel trapped.
This is in my bones. I believe it in all aspects of my life; above all.
I am not trapped. I am only caged if I allow myself to be. The difference between where I am now and where I want to be is defined by…
How much sweat I’m willing to give.
How many tears I’m willing to shed.
How much pain I’m willing to stand.
How much work I’m willing to put out.
How much shit I’m willing to eat.
How much patience I can squeeze out of me.
I am not trapped unless I allow myself to be trapped.
And I don’t allow it.