Do you need more stuff to be happy?


Look at Stacey’s new car; she’s doing well.  Did you see Dan and Michelle’s new house, they’ve got it all together.  This is just the cooler talk, you know you get it worse on your socials.

Why must we associate stuff with success?  With happiness?

Like the amount of stuff we have or how nice the stuff we have is indicates how happy we are.  Do you ever buy something when you’re unhappy?  Of course you fucking do.  A habit my friends and I are currently trying to break with this little game where we talk our purchases out to each other before making them – and most of the time end up poking fun at each other for our explanation.  It’s quite possible that’s why we find a need to be so flashy…  To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with buying shit; it’s the motivation for buying that’s key.

Just maybe if I buy something, I will feel better.  People will think I am better and then I will be happier.  But are you?

Why don’t we say; Hey, look at Alicia and Erica.  Don’t they look HAPPY???

How many times have you heard that?  Okay, maybe at a wedding but that’s about it.  The people I see who genuinely look the happiest tend to have the least amount of stuff.  Is it because they don’t need stuff to prove to themselves or to anyone else how happy they are?  I’m guilty, guilty, GUILTY of this thought process too but you better believe that I’m working towards the less stuff is more happiness mindset.


So what now?


I’m at an impasse for the first time ever.  You know that friend that you call when you’re wallowing in self pity and want a partner in your emo vibes to confirm how shitty the world is?  Yah, I’m not that friend.  I’m the one who will listen to your problem and unconsciously can’t help searching for a solution.  It’s what I do; I solve problems.  I see a problem (that I want to solve) and my mind is immediately processing.  Sometimes the solutions are not ones that I like.  Sometimes they take a long time to complete (which I also don’t like), but I’m never not processing possible solutions.

Until now.

I’ve realized that I’ve been so focused on one particular long term goal, and left no room for any other.

I mean not completely ignoring other desires yet still prioritizing the one so intensely that I left zero consideration for anything else I may have wanted.  I’ve had blinders on for such a long time that now I don’t even know what else I want.  I guess when I think about it, I’ve always been laser focused.  It’s how I’ve manifested anything that has come to be in my life thus far.

Only now, I feel like it doesn’t work for me anymore.

As my BFF pointed out, the long term goals are broken into short term ones.  100% true and for the first time in my life I want other short term goals which are unrelated to the life plan.  Sounds simple enough and it should be easy for problem solver me to resolve.  Unfortunately, it isn’t.  It’s hard to solve because I don’t know what else I want.  Is that a bad thing?  Is it a good thing?  Does it mean I won’t be happy?  I’m not sure.  I can’t answer those questions either…  But I’m sure AF going to figure it out.

It’s okay to not be ON all the time, just as long as you don’t plan to live there

So I’m in a bit of a funk. I’ve gone back and forth about writing and posting this because I don’t want to push negative vibez out into the world. At the same time, I want to be honest.

I don’t want to pretend like everything is always aspirational and motivational AF over here.

Cuz it damn sure isn’t.

I’ve been burnt out before but that’s not what this is. This is different. I have ZERO energy. Well relatively no energy in comparison to the last few months. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or going out anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I don’t feel like doing the things that usually make me happy; like fucking and eating (I’m a simple girl). I don’t feel like working on business shit because I just don’t have the motivation. It’s like my tank is on empty. No my tank disappeared. So I just have enough in the lines to get through the task at hand and then I’m done.

It’s not the same as burnout. This is boredom.

Boredom is way fucking scarier than burnout. No amount of sweet temptations or promises can save me from this monster.

I was on a high for a while. 2017 has been good things (and bad things), but lots of good things & progress to make up for the bad. In the last little while, I’ve hit a wall. Not even close to a subtle kind of way. I mean like I was going 130 km per hour on the 401 and smashed into the back of a transport truck.

I’ve been telling myself that I need time. To just wait it out and it will go away; like any other time before. I’m realizing that it’s not going to be like that this time. Nawww. This time I need a plan.

What kind of plan? Well I’m not 100% there yet but I’m certain it involves changing things up a lot. It requires breaking the monotony that has been my life the last little while.

For starters my workouts are stale. I’ve been resistance band training since May. Lots of progress but yah, I’m bored AF. I’ve gone from training 6 days a week to 4 if I’m lucky. So I’m testing a new workout app this week. Food – I’ve been reintroducing more carbs to see how that makes me feel. Social – Fuck I should probably go out and see my friends who I’ve been avoiding.

So that’s how far I got. Just thinking it out loud I can’t lie, I do feel a bit better. Anyway, like I said – it’s okay to not be ON all the time but I’m not staying here.

How to not give a f$&k what people think

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Okay okay.  Sorry not sorry if that was click bait.  There’s no magic secret to this.  Actually I’m sure its possible; though I’m not there yet.  At least not 100%.  It’s not so much that you don’t give a fuck what people think, it’s more like you do what’s right for you regardless of what they think.  Note:  This is not to be confused with not seeing value in someone else’s opinion.  I can respect that you believe in your opinion without agreeing with you.  I can see your valid points, but what it comes down to is I’ve realized 9 out of 10 times,

I know what’s best for me.

And that maybe that 1/10 was just something I needed to do anyway so that I could learn from it.

I can’t tell you HOW to not give a fuck, but I can tell you WHY I don’t and how I got there.  I’m blessed with having many talents.  I was that straight A student.  I’m great at math and science.  I’m also a child of immigrant parents who with the best intentions were certain that a career in medicine or law was the singular path to financial security and happiness.  I was directed down a specific path which I took through a BSc. in university.   Of course many of you know now that an undergraduate degree is by no means a ticket to career success and while I realized this while studying, it’s impossible for me to half-ass anything; even more so to quit anything and I completed my degree.  I even applied for my masters and accidentally-on-purpose bombed my interviews.  If either of my parents end up reading this it will be a revelation; again sorry not sorry.  Let it also be known that I don’t feel I wasted that or any time in my life.  I regret nothing as it has all led me here.

The problem with having many talents is that sometimes you really don’t like some of the things that you’re good at, but the people around you (who may mean well) put a lot of value on those talents.  All I wanted to do for the first two thirds of my life was please my parents and I guess I thought if I could succeed at that then I would please myself.  But the truth is I never felt like I pleased them enough.

Lightbulb moment: Maybe I’d get a better return on my investment if I worked on making myself happy directly.

It took a while to build up the courage but after working for a year post-grad, I made a decision.  I enrolled in design school.

Fuck yah I was scared.  I was afraid to fail and hear ‘I told you so’.  I was terrified that I wasn’t talented enough.  Science and math are easy for me; I would never doubt myself in those areas.  Fashion design was just something I loved and I didn’t know if I was good (enough).  THAT is what not giving a fuck about what people say is;

It’s doing something even though you’re afraid and even though other people tell you not to – because it feels right to you.

Turns out I am really good at it.  I did way better than I had in university.  More importantly I learned way more.  Not just the technical skills from the program but about myself.  I learned to take more risks, to just try things and be okay with it not working out, that things don’t have to be perfect.  Most important I learned to be more confident in those skills that until that point other people in my life didn’t see as valuable.  To be confident in those talents that I enjoy even if others didn’t see them as profitable.  It was the start of shifting my way of thinking.  Widening my view of the world and myself.

And it’s only the prequel of my not giving a fuck…

What do you mean you don’t want kids?!?!

Yeah. I’m starting the post about not wanting kids with an analogy about kids.  Follow me though…

So you know those kids who constantly ask,

‘But whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy????’

Well that was me but not literally cuz my mum would have smacked me, but def in my head.  Eventually this little girl grew up to start asking why out loud.  First just quietly to myself and eventually so loud that I could no longer ignore it.

I asked myself WHY I wanted to get married.  Is it to have a wedding? Nope, not into it. Is to declare in front of God, my family, my friends that I’ve found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? Nawww. TBH I don’t care much about that either.  It’s only important for me to make that declaration to my partner. The rest is just a formality.  We’ll leave it there for now because this post is really about:

Why don’t I want kids?

The short answer is that if I have to think sooooo fucking hard to come up with a reason to want them, then sorry not sorry; I don’t want them.

I draw on all the reasons other people give for wanting kids. One that I get often is, there’s just nothing like it. True. But so long as that’s the case, I don’t know what I’m missing and I’m PERFECTLY cool with that. Because where I stand now, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

It’s def not because I’m afraid to be a mother or think I wouldn’t make a good mother.  Quite the contrary my friend, I know I’d be an awesome mum. And if I had an unplanned pregnancy I would love that kid more than life itself.  Knock on wood, but if that does happen and it’s years from now, and my kid is reading this:

Mofo I loved you from the moment you existed.  You just weren’t in the plan.  You will learn if you haven’t already, that life doesn’t always go to plan but it doesn’t make it any less valuable or meaningful – So fix your face!

I’ve been told by some friends who’ve been around long enough that maybe it’s because of the large age gap between myself and baby brothers.  Because like any big sister, I learned my time wasn’t actually  my own time and I learned to do a lot of things on my own while my parents focused on their babies who needed them most.  Because I was old enough to see my brothers go through the stage where they disrespected my parents and took them for granted.  Able to see my mother hurt from feeling devalued; which I’m sure I did to her too and I’m also sure is not unlike the experience of many mothers.  I know what I’m describing is not unique and of course I’m not telling you about all the moments of pride and joy that I know my parents also experienced.

But none of this changes that I just don’t have that innate desire to want children or marriage or that happy lil’ family unit. Being a mother isn’t on my list of aspirations.  I don’t question your desire for those things.  I don’t ask you why you want them and TBH I don’t give a fuuuuccckk.  Do you boo!  Be happy.  I will however ask myself why? Why do I want those things? And I just can’t find a reason that is truly meaningful to me. Not. One.  If you’ve got a problem with that, well, that’s just what it is…  YOUR problem.  I can I assure you, I lose no sleep over it.

What you might want to do though – if you’re not doing it already; for your daughters, for future boss ass babes, is not put so much energy into making other women feel bad just because they make a choice that’s different from your own.

Where does your confidence come from?

StockSnap_RN1NPCIU8DI get this question often along with…

How do you not let that shit phase you?

How do you not care what people think about you?

Reminds me of something I used to say repeatedly at university when someone threw shade my way.  It wasn’t so much what I said, but the tone in which I said it,

“I don’t give a fuuuuuccccckkk

I mean, I say I don’t care but the truer statement is actually,

I don’t give enough fucks.

Enough to possibly spark some self-awareness and reflection but not enough to lose the value I see in myself.  If I decide to change something, it is exactly that; my decision.

Now I’m at the point where when someone says something negative about me or judges me for my choices, it’s usually pretty easy for me to laugh it off because I think to myself,

This issue really says more about YOU than it does about me.  Girl (or boy) BYE.

So how did I get this way?  There’s really no magic answer.  It’s a combination of my experiences and the way I choose to respond to those experiences.

In my teens and twenties I was surrounded by those who wanted to control me and my path, those who said nasty things to or about me because of my skin, my hair, my clothes, my body – much of which I had no control over.  Those who ignored me or wrote me off because of an ill-informed, preconceived notion of who I was or who they felt I was supposed to be – not unlike the experience of most young people.

Now I could assimilate.  I could pretend to fit in, but even then I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Plus the truth always comes out so that really felt like a waste of my personal resources.  I’d rather be by myself than change what is organically me for acceptance and so my friendship circle was always small (and still is).

Here’s my thought process from the moment the tip of a shade arrow first brushes against my shield…

 1. Bitch please.

(Most often it ends here depending on the source – Example:  A stranger on the internet or the street.  Some THOT that’s a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me, some dude who’s trying to get at my cookie and is failing miserably).

2. What is going on with this person that has them feeling it’s imperative to share this with me?

(We only get to #2 if the source is valid.  Valid sources include:  friends, coworkers, close family, anyone who has both a take AND give relationship with me).

3. Should I find that this is actually about THEM and not me, I will let it slide and if I care enough, ask them if THEY are okay.

4. If I’ve made it to #4 it means that not only did the comment come from a valid source but also one who I care deeply about, who’s opinion I value greatly.  This will lead to some self-reflection, self-awareness and then possibly personal changes.

Put it this way,  I chose to use my previous exposure to shade as a vaccine.  Slowly building up my immunity against hate and negative vibes so that now any exposure cannot rock the foundation of confidence I’ve built.

Negativity touches my shield and barely penetrates my surface layers because my confidence antibodies are like,

‘Nawww B.  Not today.  Get the fuck outta here’.



Not for everyone

This past year has been a lot of soul searching for me.  Fuck, more than just the last year but the volume of self exploration I’ve been able to do in the last year most certainly far outweighs the last five.

I found that in all my past relationships I was searching for someone to care for.

Because taking care of, whomever, whomever except me, is a task that’s been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember.  Can’t say exactly how it was nor do I care to; just accept that it was.

I can appreciate that’s not how all relationships work, or at least how they’re supposed to work.  Both partners should take care of each other.  Yah, I see that and raise you this:

Maybe I just know how to take care of myself the best.  Maybe there just isn’t someone(s) out there who can take care of me in the way that I need.  The person inside of me doesn’t know how to need someone because I learned early on that needing leads to disappointment; a lesson only further reinforced with subsequent experiences.  If I knew how to need someone, I’m certain I wouldn’t have lasted this long.

I propose that maybe everyone isn’t meant to be in a relationship with someone.  Maybe they’re not built for it, not wired to compliment and be complimented by someone else.  Maybe they’re meant for many great things, but one of them isn’t that romantic kind of love.  And what kind of dick move would it be for you to say that those great things are any more or less valuable than that romantic kind of love?  A Big. Dick.  Move.  That’s what kind.

So I’m convinced this is the case.  I don’t want your unicorn, sunshine and roses story that ‘You just haven’t found the right one(s) yet.’  Truth is, I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I did.  I don’t know that I’m capable of feeling or at the very least showing the love they would need, deserve and expect from a relationship.  Just not sure I have it in me.  All signs point to an uphill battle; one that I don’t expect anyone to stand for.

I wouldn’t.