It’s okay to not be ON all the time, just as long as you don’t plan to live there

So I’m in a bit of a funk. I’ve gone back and forth about writing and posting this because I don’t want to push negative vibez out into the world. At the same time, I want to be honest.

I don’t want to pretend like everything is always aspirational and motivational AF over here.

Cuz it damn sure isn’t.

I’ve been burnt out before but that’s not what this is. This is different. I have ZERO energy. Well relatively no energy in comparison to the last few months. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or going out anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I don’t feel like doing the things that usually make me happy; like fucking and eating (I’m a simple girl). I don’t feel like working on business shit because I just don’t have the motivation. It’s like my tank is on empty. No my tank disappeared. So I just have enough in the lines to get through the task at hand and then I’m done.

It’s not the same as burnout. This is boredom.

Boredom is way fucking scarier than burnout. No amount of sweet temptations or promises can save me from this monster.

I was on a high for a while. 2017 has been good things (and bad things), but lots of good things & progress to make up for the bad. In the last little while, I’ve hit a wall. Not even close to a subtle kind of way. I mean like I was going 130 km per hour on the 401 and smashed into the back of a transport truck.

I’ve been telling myself that I need time. To just wait it out and it will go away; like any other time before. I’m realizing that it’s not going to be like that this time. Nawww. This time I need a plan.

What kind of plan? Well I’m not 100% there yet but I’m certain it involves changing things up a lot. It requires breaking the monotony that has been my life the last little while.

For starters my workouts are stale. I’ve been resistance band training since May. Lots of progress but yah, I’m bored AF. I’ve gone from training 6 days a week to 4 if I’m lucky. So I’m testing a new workout app this week. Food – I’ve been reintroducing more carbs to see how that makes me feel. Social – Fuck I should probably go out and see my friends who I’ve been avoiding.

So that’s how far I got. Just thinking it out loud I can’t lie, I do feel a bit better. Anyway, like I said – it’s okay to not be ON all the time but I’m not staying here.


How to not give a f$&k what people think

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Okay okay.  Sorry not sorry if that was click bait.  There’s no magic secret to this.  Actually I’m sure its possible; though I’m not there yet.  At least not 100%.  It’s not so much that you don’t give a fuck what people think, it’s more like you do what’s right for you regardless of what they think.  Note:  This is not to be confused with not seeing value in someone else’s opinion.  I can respect that you believe in your opinion without agreeing with you.  I can see your valid points, but what it comes down to is I’ve realized 9 out of 10 times,

I know what’s best for me.

And that maybe that 1/10 was just something I needed to do anyway so that I could learn from it.

I can’t tell you HOW to not give a fuck, but I can tell you WHY I don’t and how I got there.  I’m blessed with having many talents.  I was that straight A student.  I’m great at math and science.  I’m also a child of immigrant parents who with the best intentions were certain that a career in medicine or law was the singular path to financial security and happiness.  I was directed down a specific path which I took through a BSc. in university.   Of course many of you know now that an undergraduate degree is by no means a ticket to career success and while I realized this while studying, it’s impossible for me to half-ass anything; even more so to quit anything and I completed my degree.  I even applied for my masters and accidentally-on-purpose bombed my interviews.  If either of my parents end up reading this it will be a revelation; again sorry not sorry.  Let it also be known that I don’t feel I wasted that or any time in my life.  I regret nothing as it has all led me here.

The problem with having many talents is that sometimes you really don’t like some of the things that you’re good at, but the people around you (who may mean well) put a lot of value on those talents.  All I wanted to do for the first two thirds of my life was please my parents and I guess I thought if I could succeed at that then I would please myself.  But the truth is I never felt like I pleased them enough.

Lightbulb moment: Maybe I’d get a better return on my investment if I worked on making myself happy directly.

It took a while to build up the courage but after working for a year post-grad, I made a decision.  I enrolled in design school.

Fuck yah I was scared.  I was afraid to fail and hear ‘I told you so’.  I was terrified that I wasn’t talented enough.  Science and math are easy for me; I would never doubt myself in those areas.  Fashion design was just something I loved and I didn’t know if I was good (enough).  THAT is what not giving a fuck about what people say is;

It’s doing something even though you’re afraid and even though other people tell you not to – because it feels right to you.

Turns out I am really good at it.  I did way better than I had in university.  More importantly I learned way more.  Not just the technical skills from the program but about myself.  I learned to take more risks, to just try things and be okay with it not working out, that things don’t have to be perfect.  Most important I learned to be more confident in those skills that until that point other people in my life didn’t see as valuable.  To be confident in those talents that I enjoy even if others didn’t see them as profitable.  It was the start of shifting my way of thinking.  Widening my view of the world and myself.

And it’s only the prequel of my not giving a fuck…

Where does your confidence come from?

StockSnap_RN1NPCIU8DI get this question often along with…

How do you not let that shit phase you?

How do you not care what people think about you?

Reminds me of something I used to say repeatedly at university when someone threw shade my way.  It wasn’t so much what I said, but the tone in which I said it,

“I don’t give a fuuuuuccccckkk

I mean, I say I don’t care but the truer statement is actually,

I don’t give enough fucks.

Enough to possibly spark some self-awareness and reflection but not enough to lose the value I see in myself.  If I decide to change something, it is exactly that; my decision.

Now I’m at the point where when someone says something negative about me or judges me for my choices, it’s usually pretty easy for me to laugh it off because I think to myself,

This issue really says more about YOU than it does about me.  Girl (or boy) BYE.

So how did I get this way?  There’s really no magic answer.  It’s a combination of my experiences and the way I choose to respond to those experiences.

In my teens and twenties I was surrounded by those who wanted to control me and my path, those who said nasty things to or about me because of my skin, my hair, my clothes, my body – much of which I had no control over.  Those who ignored me or wrote me off because of an ill-informed, preconceived notion of who I was or who they felt I was supposed to be – not unlike the experience of most young people.

Now I could assimilate.  I could pretend to fit in, but even then I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Plus the truth always comes out so that really felt like a waste of my personal resources.  I’d rather be by myself than change what is organically me for acceptance and so my friendship circle was always small (and still is).

Here’s my thought process from the moment the tip of a shade arrow first brushes against my shield…

 1. Bitch please.

(Most often it ends here depending on the source – Example:  A stranger on the internet or the street.  Some THOT that’s a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me, some dude who’s trying to get at my cookie and is failing miserably).

2. What is going on with this person that has them feeling it’s imperative to share this with me?

(We only get to #2 if the source is valid.  Valid sources include:  friends, coworkers, close family, anyone who has both a take AND give relationship with me).

3. Should I find that this is actually about THEM and not me, I will let it slide and if I care enough, ask them if THEY are okay.

4. If I’ve made it to #4 it means that not only did the comment come from a valid source but also one who I care deeply about, who’s opinion I value greatly.  This will lead to some self-reflection, self-awareness and then possibly personal changes.

Put it this way,  I chose to use my previous exposure to shade as a vaccine.  Slowly building up my immunity against hate and negative vibes so that now any exposure cannot rock the foundation of confidence I’ve built.

Negativity touches my shield and barely penetrates my surface layers because my confidence antibodies are like,

‘Nawww B.  Not today.  Get the fuck outta here’.



When first we practice to deceive…

Shit gets heavy real real quick…

(Title is from a quote by Walter Scott)


What is it about some of us that makes it so easy to discount the basic human tendency to look out for one another???  I’ll just add the disclaimer that I have not, repeat, have not lost faith in humanity.  You may have noticed I’ve been gone for a minute;  I’m exploring.  What follows are some observations I’m sorting out.

I’m not even talking about when we pretend we don’t see the homeless person asking for change or when we cut someone off because we just have to get where we’re going one second earlier.  I’m talking about how easy it is for us to switch off our humanity (Vampire Diaries anyone?) and completely ignore or not care about how our behaviour will affect someone we care about – I guess that’s open to interpretation.  Or at the very least someone we know cares about us and would rather throw themselves on a sword before seeing us get hurt.

What makes us cheat?

Is it lust?  Boredom?  Loneliness?  Is it our inability to control ourselves, to keep our desires under wraps?  I’ve been cheated on before. Or I should say I’ve been cheated on and found out about it before in a blaze of anger, ferocity and inexplicable pain while on day two of a ten-day vacation with my partner.  I can tell you that the most unbearable part for me was the feeling stupid part.  Because no one makes JJ feel stupid.  Because she isn’t stupid, not in the least and all I wanted to do was burn everything to the ground.

I’ve also been in a relationship that I knew was over.  Stayed far past the time I should in a situation that lacked passion and sex among other things.  I’m a very sexual person, so to be without carnal intimacy essentially had me not myself.  As hard as that was, I didn’t cheat.  Why?  Well why would I?  What is wrong with you to make you actually ask me that question?  It wasn’t a fear of getting caught.  I wouldn’t do it even if I knew I would never get caught.  That’s not the point.  I have an innate desire to not hurt people.  Don’t you???  But seriously, I want to know, if you believe in your heart (or your lower regions) that cheating is okay, tell me why.

I’ve also, on more than one occasion (far too often really), unknowingly been made an accessory to a cheater.  Now this is some fucked up shit.  I’m wondering if the fact that I don’t want to be in a relationship automatically brands me as side chick…  Naw man.  I want to be free; but that means you should be too.  Polyamory is one thing – however I assume in this case all parties are aware of the stakes.  What’s the most fucked up is not even making me an unknowing participant to the affair.  I can accept the bigger picture here;  I’m nothing but a blip on this timeline.  What’s really fucked up is how one is able to do this to their partner.  Regardless of if the relationship is going well or not, there are expectations.  However unique the nuances of those expectations, I’m certain fidelity is a hard limit.  If you’re not into it, GET.  THE.  FUCK. OUT.

I don’t even need to get into karma.

We know all about it and clearly some of us do not accept its existence.  I’m really curious as to what is wrong with us as people.  Not in a why-don’t-we-do-more-about-those-starving-on-the-other-side-of-the-world kind of way.  I’m talking about how we can so easily ignore what our behaviour does to the person sharing our bed, lives and by all outward appearances, our future?

Why embrace those negative vibes???

Should it always be good vibes only though…

I had one of those moments this week.  You know the one.  Where everything seems like it’s crashing down around you and there’s no end in site.  Where everything else is forging forward and you’re left behind.

No attainable goal in sight, or there is, it’s just so far away in your eyes that it may as well not be there at all.

I was tempted to push these negative feelings away.  To pretend this wasn’t happening, to convince myself this wasn’t really what I was feeling right now.  To say, ‘calm the fuck down J; let this shit go’.  This is what I usually do because maybe if I pretend it’s not happening, then its not real.

And then I checked myself.  Nawwww.  Let’s feel this.  Let’s feel all the anxiety, pressure, frustration that is this moment.  Let’s fucking soak in it (but not drown) and feel every last sorry, uncomfortable, impossible, unbearable second of it.  Absorb it all until there’s nothing left

And use it.  As fuel.

Does it hurt?

Life after rejection

stocksnap_kt7jonscn9Of course it does!  Any kind of rejection, professional or personal hurts.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.  Sure the degree to which it hurts will vary, but you know it still hurts.

Whether it’s that dude who matched you and never sent a message or never responded to your message.  The one who matched and then quickly unmatched you or the one who just disappears after one, a few dates or even weeks/months of dating; it hurts.  While at times our behaviour can lead to the unwanted ending of a courtship it’s important to remember that there is a whole other person involved in this equation.   Another person with a different experience and self-evolution that brings with it an endless supply of independent variables beyond your control.  For my tips on how to stay cool despite the possibility of rejection see Tinder/Bumble Survival Tips.  You may not have much control over whether or not you are rejected (especially when you’ve only just connected), but…

You most certainly have control over how you respond to rejection.

If you’ve taken the relationship (however loosely you can definite it at this point) for what it is and met him where he was in terms of his behaviour towards you, it certainly makes it easier to accept your current situation.  So when I’ve been rejected, thinking about the below is how I get it handled:

  1. I used to say this to my BFF all the time when another woman crossed her (I don’t anymore because she already knows the drill, and owns it):  Does she feed you?  Put a roof over your head?  Keep you safe and warm?  Help you to achieve what you want in your life?  No.  Then you don’t need her, or in this case him.  You not only survived but thrived before him (believe me you were definitely thriving if he was attracted to you) and you will certainly thrive after him.
  2. It’s okay to be sad.  It’s okay to accept and feel pain.  I find it far easier to move on when I embrace the negative feelings rather than trying to pretend they don’t exist.  The important thing is to set a limit on how long this pain will affect you (and also accept that the line is movable, sometimes we backslide).  How long this will take depends on you and the investment put into the courtship but acceptance with a set expiry works for me.
  3. Learn from the experience.  If you matched with someone and they just never said anything, there may not be much to learn from that situation – except maybe that just matching someone isn’t the biggest indicator of interest or that this person would make a good whatever it is that you are looking for.  However in a situation where more investment was made, and without over analyzing the situation:

Thinking about it for even a few minutes can improve self-awareness.

For example as difficult as it can be to ‘be yourself’ when in the high-anxiety situation of getting to know someone new, perhaps you were being someone completely unlike yourself.  Maybe you tried to be someone you thought this person would like but was not authentically you.  The thing about trying to be someone else is that you can only keep the charade up for so long; eventually the truth comes out.  So perhaps what you learn from this situation is that you could benefit from working on authenticity and keeping consistent with your personal values when you meet new people.

4.  Remember the bad times.  Of course we want to remain positive but also realistic.  I can’t remember where I first heard this concept but when a relationship ends we have a tendency to romanticize the good times and completely ignore all of the bad ones.  Sure there were some great memories made during the course of this relationship, but save those for later because right now you need to get back on point.  In your lowest moments you will remember some amazing time you had or some sweet thing that he said and trick yourself into thinking the entire experience was all sunshine and roses.  When you catch yourself doing this force yourself to remember the negative experiences, the disappointments, the things that made you two incompatible.  I’m not proposing you do this long-term; it’s a tool to put your current situation and emotions into perspective.

5.  Remember there are other positive things in your life.  This person was not and is not the determinant of your happiness.  You definitely have other things in your life to be happy about, otherwise this person would not have been attracted to you.  You have friends and family who love you, you have a career, you have aspirations and all that you need to achieve them.  These are the things that will continue to prove themselves far more valuable than this person who’s decided to bounce from your life.