Where does your confidence come from?

StockSnap_RN1NPCIU8DI get this question often along with…

How do you not let that shit phase you?

How do you not care what people think about you?

Reminds me of something I used to say repeatedly at university when someone threw shade my way.  It wasn’t so much what I said, but the tone in which I said it,

“I don’t give a fuuuuuccccckkk

I mean, I say I don’t care but the truer statement is actually,

I don’t give enough fucks.

Enough to possibly spark some self-awareness and reflection but not enough to lose the value I see in myself.  If I decide to change something, it is exactly that; my decision.

Now I’m at the point where when someone says something negative about me or judges me for my choices, it’s usually pretty easy for me to laugh it off because I think to myself,

This issue really says more about YOU than it does about me.  Girl (or boy) BYE.

So how did I get this way?  There’s really no magic answer.  It’s a combination of my experiences and the way I choose to respond to those experiences.

In my teens and twenties I was surrounded by those who wanted to control me and my path, those who said nasty things to or about me because of my skin, my hair, my clothes, my body – much of which I had no control over.  Those who ignored me or wrote me off because of an ill-informed, preconceived notion of who I was or who they felt I was supposed to be – not unlike the experience of most young people.

Now I could assimilate.  I could pretend to fit in, but even then I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Plus the truth always comes out so that really felt like a waste of my personal resources.  I’d rather be by myself than change what is organically me for acceptance and so my friendship circle was always small (and still is).

Here’s my thought process from the moment the tip of a shade arrow first brushes against my shield…

 1. Bitch please.

(Most often it ends here depending on the source – Example:  A stranger on the internet or the street.  Some THOT that’s a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me, some dude who’s trying to get at my cookie and is failing miserably).

2. What is going on with this person that has them feeling it’s imperative to share this with me?

(We only get to #2 if the source is valid.  Valid sources include:  friends, coworkers, close family, anyone who has both a take AND give relationship with me).

3. Should I find that this is actually about THEM and not me, I will let it slide and if I care enough, ask them if THEY are okay.

4. If I’ve made it to #4 it means that not only did the comment come from a valid source but also one who I care deeply about, who’s opinion I value greatly.  This will lead to some self-reflection, self-awareness and then possibly personal changes.

Put it this way,  I chose to use my previous exposure to shade as a vaccine.  Slowly building up my immunity against hate and negative vibes so that now any exposure cannot rock the foundation of confidence I’ve built.

Negativity touches my shield and barely penetrates my surface layers because my confidence antibodies are like,

‘Nawww B.  Not today.  Get the fuck outta here’.

 

 

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Not for everyone

This past year has been a lot of soul searching for me.  Fuck, more than just the last year but the volume of self exploration I’ve been able to do in the last year most certainly far outweighs the last five.

I found that in all my past relationships I was searching for someone to care for.

Because taking care of, whomever, whomever except me, is a task that’s been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember.  Can’t say exactly how it was nor do I care to; just accept that it was.

I can appreciate that’s not how all relationships work, or at least how they’re supposed to work.  Both partners should take care of each other.  Yah, I see that and raise you this:

Maybe I just know how to take care of myself the best.  Maybe there just isn’t someone(s) out there who can take care of me in the way that I need.  The person inside of me doesn’t know how to need someone because I learned early on that needing leads to disappointment; a lesson only further reinforced with subsequent experiences.  If I knew how to need someone, I’m certain I wouldn’t have lasted this long.

I propose that maybe everyone isn’t meant to be in a relationship with someone.  Maybe they’re not built for it, not wired to compliment and be complimented by someone else.  Maybe they’re meant for many great things, but one of them isn’t that romantic kind of love.  And what kind of dick move would it be for you to say that those great things are any more or less valuable than that romantic kind of love?  A Big. Dick.  Move.  That’s what kind.

So I’m convinced this is the case.  I don’t want your unicorn, sunshine and roses story that ‘You just haven’t found the right one(s) yet.’  Truth is, I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I did.  I don’t know that I’m capable of feeling or at the very least showing the love they would need, deserve and expect from a relationship.  Just not sure I have it in me.  All signs point to an uphill battle; one that I don’t expect anyone to stand for.

I wouldn’t.

When first we practice to deceive…

Shit gets heavy real real quick…

(Title is from a quote by Walter Scott)

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What is it about some of us that makes it so easy to discount the basic human tendency to look out for one another???  I’ll just add the disclaimer that I have not, repeat, have not lost faith in humanity.  You may have noticed I’ve been gone for a minute;  I’m exploring.  What follows are some observations I’m sorting out.

I’m not even talking about when we pretend we don’t see the homeless person asking for change or when we cut someone off because we just have to get where we’re going one second earlier.  I’m talking about how easy it is for us to switch off our humanity (Vampire Diaries anyone?) and completely ignore or not care about how our behaviour will affect someone we care about – I guess that’s open to interpretation.  Or at the very least someone we know cares about us and would rather throw themselves on a sword before seeing us get hurt.

What makes us cheat?

Is it lust?  Boredom?  Loneliness?  Is it our inability to control ourselves, to keep our desires under wraps?  I’ve been cheated on before. Or I should say I’ve been cheated on and found out about it before in a blaze of anger, ferocity and inexplicable pain while on day two of a ten-day vacation with my partner.  I can tell you that the most unbearable part for me was the feeling stupid part.  Because no one makes JJ feel stupid.  Because she isn’t stupid, not in the least and all I wanted to do was burn everything to the ground.

I’ve also been in a relationship that I knew was over.  Stayed far past the time I should in a situation that lacked passion and sex among other things.  I’m a very sexual person, so to be without carnal intimacy essentially had me not myself.  As hard as that was, I didn’t cheat.  Why?  Well why would I?  What is wrong with you to make you actually ask me that question?  It wasn’t a fear of getting caught.  I wouldn’t do it even if I knew I would never get caught.  That’s not the point.  I have an innate desire to not hurt people.  Don’t you???  But seriously, I want to know, if you believe in your heart (or your lower regions) that cheating is okay, tell me why.

I’ve also, on more than one occasion (far too often really), unknowingly been made an accessory to a cheater.  Now this is some fucked up shit.  I’m wondering if the fact that I don’t want to be in a relationship automatically brands me as side chick…  Naw man.  I want to be free; but that means you should be too.  Polyamory is one thing – however I assume in this case all parties are aware of the stakes.  What’s the most fucked up is not even making me an unknowing participant to the affair.  I can accept the bigger picture here;  I’m nothing but a blip on this timeline.  What’s really fucked up is how one is able to do this to their partner.  Regardless of if the relationship is going well or not, there are expectations.  However unique the nuances of those expectations, I’m certain fidelity is a hard limit.  If you’re not into it, GET.  THE.  FUCK. OUT.

I don’t even need to get into karma.

We know all about it and clearly some of us do not accept its existence.  I’m really curious as to what is wrong with us as people.  Not in a why-don’t-we-do-more-about-those-starving-on-the-other-side-of-the-world kind of way.  I’m talking about how we can so easily ignore what our behaviour does to the person sharing our bed, lives and by all outward appearances, our future?